Ok, before I start I just want to say that I know this is a hot topic issue and I love & welcome comments. But if you leave a disrespectful or demeaning comment, it will not be published and I will not respond to it. This post is about me…I am not speaking on behalf of all fat girls. I am not saying that fat can be or is healthy. This is about me accepting me.
It has taken a long time for me to accept the reflection, to look past the puffy cheeks & the double chin. I am not proud to be fat…but I am proud to be me.
See, when you look at me you see the puffy cheeks, the double chin, the big belly. What you don’t see is the amount of steroids that I have to take in order to fight a battle that is taking place inside me. You don’t see the kidney issues that causes swelling…adding some more puffy to the mix. You don’t see the joint damage or calcium deposits that form on my bones that cause me to have mobility issues forcing me to use a wheelchair when I’m out of my house. I am not in that chair because I am fat, and I am not fat because I am in my wheelchair. You see a lazy person who should be made to park down the block so I can burn some calories. What you don’t see is that my blood pressure and heart rate have been so low that I passed out every time I stood up, causing my doctor to admit me to the hospital and before I could get settled in my room my heart more than tripled in beats per minute and I had a heart attack two weeks before my 32nd birthday. You see me in the wheelchair and think I need to work out…you don’t see that I’m wearing a wig because during flares I get sores all over, and I do mean all over, that causes my hair to fall out in clumps where the sores are. You don’t see that it takes me more than 3 hours to get ready because I have to do it in stages because the shower alone is exhausting. What you don’t see are the hospital admits because I threw up for a couple of hours and became so dehydrated that I had to stay there for 3 days.
You make a snap decision based on what you think my life is like. You decide, on your own, what is wrong with me and what I should do to fix it and become acceptable to you. But calling me fat doesn’t make you beautiful or skinny or healthy.
Because Lupus is so unpredictable, I never know from one day to the next what I am going to look like. Fat acceptance to me isn’t about being happy that I’m fat…it’s about realizing that whatever size I wear doesn’t change the person I am. It’s about knowing that the outside changes daily but the outside doesn’t define me. Fat is not who I am, sick is not who I am. I am a wife, I am a daughter, I am a mommy to angels…and it doesn’t matter if I am a size 2 or 22…I am still all those things. No, I am not proud to be fat. I am proud of who I am, I am proud that I continue to fight my invisible battle, I am proud that my self worth isn’t tied to the opinions of people who know nothing about me & yet assume to know how to “fix” me. I am proud of the person I am, I am proud to accept all of my flaws, all of strengths, and all of my chins.
Today’s post brought to you by the letter: